Hey Hey...!

Tomorrow was supposed to be a day that I am supposed to look forward to... But Alas!

Well, the truth is, to see Won Bin in the flesh, the idea that I was supposed to see him in the flesh had always felt like a dream. Well I think it might as well just continue to be, a dream.

Sigh...

And I'm stilll struggling and constipating my internship report, which has been delayed for a week. TO think that I swore to finish it during the last two days of my internship so that I can fling that load off my shoulders. Well, my habit of procrastinating, or rather, to put it in another way, bad prioritising, is still my habit. FUN. SLACK. WORK. It comes in this order.

Disclaimer: Well, depends on what kind of work la. Haha.. If it's fun work then it would be FUN WORK. FUN. SLACK. WORK.

WORK-WORK-WORK is meant to be fun.

Speaking about work, one question, one thought popped up these few days.

Actually I shouldn't use the word "popped" cuz it's supposed to be a very serious issue.

And on further thought, i shouldn't use "one question, one thought" cuz it's a series, a string of thoughts and questions. (Ok, I talk faster than I think. Hmm, I've always been talking to you if you haven't realised...)

Well... these thoughts and questions can be summarised into one topic. Often discussed by many, and commonly known as "My Future".

I'm feeling quite a number of things, such as like, sense of loss, indecisiveness, and all of a sudden I realised that I have been doubting my own abilities. In a situation of conflict, irony and eternal search for an answer that even if I dig deep enough I don't seem to be able to find it. Well...

I am tussling with 2 possible routes to go after graduation. Though graduation's only in about 9 months. (which is quite fast and therefore a scary thought) I haven't decide which path I wanna go. It's like.. Ok. After series of elimination, I am boiled down to 2 choices. A headhunter or somebody in the media/events industry.

The reason why I am keen on the former is the autonomy and the freedom that I seemingly can have in the job. Something desk-bound is not for me, and after a series of self-discovery, I have struck "in-house company HR" off my list. The internship only led me to confirm my disinterest in this area. I'd like something more active and initiated, rather than passive or background. I also realised that I'm not the perfectly people oriented kind of person, lacking the compassion to really really really want to increase the welfare of the people around me. I do believe such people exist. They really really really want to up the welfare. I am just not that up to this standard.

To be a headhunter would be great, cuz I heard you get quite a lot of money and prestige. Well, imagine people clamouring to drop you a namecard, that's what I imagine it to be, at least. Correct me if I am wrong. The bottomline is, it theoretically should bring me to a very comfortable financial state fast enough to start my own business by the time I am in my late 20s. I do believe if I work on making prudence and frugality my core values I would get there fast enough.

The 2nd option is somebody in the media/events industry. I've been doing events for quite some time and still pretty passionate about it. The most important thing is I feel that I am having enough experience to start commanding a fee for my services if not expertise. Well, not boasting around here, it's different every event, you gotta study each and every different and unique situation, but I really think I at least qualify for the basic principles, which thou is not stupid enough to divulge here. Haha. Each woman for her own... erps.

Well, you might have noticed, pardon my digressing that I said somebody. THe problem is clear enough. Somebody, but hello!!?!! Who!?!?! Yes, I have a problem with that. Somehow I think i don't have the textbook knowledge, you know, as in, I didn't take Mass Comm in school. But somehow I think my experience might just rope me in, at least, I am a business grad... at least... But without the textbook knowledge does it mean I have to start pretty junior? Then if everything goes well, maybe I can be in a management position in my late 30s? That means get enough money by late 30s? Notice the difference? Late 30s and Late 20s?

The thing also is, I'm quite confident of getting a job either way. With my contacts with the media/events industry, and my HRC degree, it's just which route I want to take.

At the end of the day, it's really a matter of getting that money to get to where I want to be... It's never true that I don't care about money. I do. It's also true that I want to do something that I truly like. So much so that, I don't turn back and say "Ah... I should have done something else instead..."

THere is only one lifetime. How would I choose to spend it? Life is so short, should I think about tomorrow, next week, next year, or 10 years down the road? It's kind of like watching myself in reality TV, and...

I really don't know.

Having a passion, but fear to pursue it cuz there are so many practical issues confronting you. It's like hearing about these issues and telling yourself no it won't happen to you. But the truth is, it happened to me. I am nearing a crossroad.

I asked my family members, what would they like to see me be, I forced an answer out of them. Here are their responses.

Mom: I don't think about it. Whatever you like, you do.
Me: No, you must say something.
Mom: CEO, like Olivia Lum of Hyflux.

Thanks for putting your faith in me and believing I can achieve that kind of thing, mum.

Bro: I want you to be happy...
Me: No, you must say something tangible, physical.
Bro: (Bewildered look)
Me: Hmm like weightlifter, bodybuilder... ah, cut the crap
Bro: Boss of a business

Thanks also for putting your faith in me, knowing that I want to be a boss and I can achieve this kind of thing, brother.

Dad: (Sounding distant, echo-ey and disturbed) You want to talk about it now ah.
Me: Hmm Ok I ask you later

Which I never did, cuz Dad was in the toilet doing his big business and I interrupted at the wrong time, and I did not bother after that, but will try to get something out of him tomorrow.

Well... Didn't want to write so much, perhaps the deepest thing I ever wrote or articulated, apart from the time I was so mad at my brother I wrote a prose swearing him. That was a couple of years back.

Well... crossroads.....

XXXXX==========XXXXXX======